Updated: Jun 2, 2019
I don't remember if we stayed another night at my husband's parents' house or if we went home that night. We had some dear retired friends (I called them Mom & Dad #2) coming to visit on their way to Florida the next day, so I needed to be ready for them. I kept quiet about the voice I had heard and worried silently all that day. When I didn't feel any movement after supper I had to express my concern out loud. I told our friends and my husband that I was worried because I hadn't felt the baby move all day, but I did not mention the Voice. Of course Mom #2 told me it was normal not to feel movement ALL the time, that maybe the baby was sleeping. But I already knew.
Our friends went on their way, and the next day, a Sunday, I laid on the couch most of the day. By then I was an emotional mess. My sweet husband went all over town trying to find a stethoscope so we could try to listen for a heart beat ourselves. Every store was closed or didn't have a stethoscope. It was Christmas Holidays AND a weekend. I called my OB (Dr. "C") and left a message with her answering service. Of course I only said I was not feeling any movement and was worried. Dr. "M" called, annoyed from the start. He was on call for Dr. C, and some day he will come up in another story.
I explained to Dr. M that I had been feeling movements every day at the same time and suddenly they stopped. I still remember his cold words like it was yesterday, "I have a hard time believing you can feel that much movement at only five months. You can go down to triage at the hospital but they aren't going to do anything. You might as well wait until Monday and call your doctor." I know God tells us not to hate anyone, but I hated that man. This was my fourth pregnancy, two ended in full term, healthy babies. I know what it feels like when a baby kicks inside my belly! I wanted to scream at him but I hung up the phone in silent tears.
I can't remember if I slept that night or not. I can't remember spending any time with my poor little sons. I'm pretty sure they enjoyed their daddy's full attention while I was down, and that gives me much comfort in itself. The next day when I went to see my OB, I'm pretty sure she didn't believe anything was wrong until after she did the ultrasound herself. The screen was turned so that I could see it, and the sound up loud. Oh, how I ached to see that tiny heart beat and hear that regular swishing of blood pumping. But everything on that screen and inside me was completely still and silent. The tears came like a flood. Dr. C was speechless for a long time. I wondered if she had ever dealt with this type of situation. I was surprised when she finally gave me a hug.
It's been 21 years and this memory still causes deep pain. It's taking me longer to write this story than I planned because I have to keep stopping to dry my eyes and blow my nose.
I had the choice to have a D&C, which would essentially be an abortion, or to wait for my body to go into labor so that I could deliver my dead baby naturally. It wasn't fair! I couldn't think about what a A D&C would do to my baby, but he wouldn't feel anything and it would get things over with quickly. Waiting for my body to go into labor meant I might have to EXIST for a long period of time with an obvious baby-belly, not wanting to hear questions, congratulations, or see any smiles because it's not what they think..
To continue reading, go to My Babies...or HIS? Part 3