Stormy Hope

The last week has been absolute craziness. I think a breakdown of the events of just three days by approximate time would be the easiest way for me to share. Therapy, sleep and meal routine, and behavior issues are actually a "normal" part of our life every week. Yay's and Ughs just demonstrate the ups and downs of our stormy life.

Tuesday:

- late morning: Occupational Therapy for the girls, Physical Therapy for the boy. I got to sit in the van by myself for an hour while the kids got a workout but had fun. Yay!

-Eat lunch in the van on the way home (I put together while the kids did schoolwork). They liked it. Yay!

-Girls race to beat me into the house so the twins can have their routine of sitting on the living room couch to read together while I read to the two youngest. They like this routine. Yay!

-All did ok being quiet during nap time. Yay!

-Kids got to play on the vinyl blocks "floor is lava" while dinner was being made. They were having fun. Yay!

-This is dad's day off work, so he made steaks for dinner. Yay! I did the baked potatoes in the new Air Fryer.. they were a bit undercooked. (we are not absolutely sold on the Air-fryer yet). BB (Benny Bear) hates potatoes and no amount of ketchup or mashing did the trick, so I ended up slicing them into chips and re-air-frying them. Then Daddy cut them into strips with scissors. Voila! French Fries!! LOL! BB loved them and wanted more. Yay!

-S (7 yo daughter) got to have Sister time with our adult daughter, M, so they ate their dinner in the basement while watching a movie. I love that M wants to have time with her little sibs. Yay!

-minor, usual hiccups in bedtime routine. We still ended up getting to have a story, prayer, singing, and ice chunks before sleep. Kids LOVED my new lavender sleep spray. Yay!

-11pm S walked into the living room near the end of the movie hubby & I were watching. Tummy ache. ugh.

I gave her a little activated charcoal mixed in a tbsp yogurt, and a homeopathic remedy to help her feel better. She went back to bed. Yay.

-11:30 She came out of the bedroom feeling worse. She hadn't thrown up in years so wasn't expecting it to happen and exploded all AROUND the toilet until I could grab her and hold her over it. Both rugs gross, bathroom scrubbing. UGH. But S felt better, went to bed and slept the rest of the night. Yay.

Wednesday:

- S threw up her breakfast. UGH.

- No morning appointments for the kids. We got to do a "normal" school routine. Reading Eggs. They are LEARNING to read & do math AND they LOVE it. Yay!

-Usual lunch time & nap time routine. S barely ate lunch though, said her tummy still hurt. UGH. She didn't actually throw up, AND she was goofing & bouncing around alot, so she seemed fine. Yay.

-1:30 pm I had a zoom appointment. Intake to get ready for BB to be scheduled for a neuro-developmental evaluation. Will be testing for Hyperlexia, FASD, Autism, PICA...Not sure how many intakes are necessary, but this is the 2nd one and I think there's one more. UGH. No quiet-time break for me today. Ugh.

- 3:30pm get the kids out the door to go to S & BB's make-up Music Therapy session. I didn't have time to make dinner during nap so I just knew they would be eating late. UGH.

- 4pm Music Therapist didn't greet us at her office door so I texted her that we were there. She texted back "I just need 15 minutes to get ready for our 4:15 appointment". Oops, my bad. Rare for me to be anywhere early. NOT rare for me to get the time wrong in my schedule. UGH.

-We found a table in the lobby to sit and wait the remaining 10 minutes. S7, who was bopping around up until this time, hides behind a pillar and says, "Mom, do you know why I'm hiding? Because. My tummy still hurts." UGH.

- I texted Music Therapist to apologize and let her know what's happening. We put coats back on and went home. Totally wasted trip. UGH.

- I let the kids play in the living room until dinner was ready. Home-made gluten free macaroni and dairy-free cheese with chopped chicken. They loved it and had 2 helpings each. Even BB, with added ketchup. Yay!

-Managed to get all in bed by 7:30pm. All konked out quickly. Love their mini 0.6 mg dose of melatonin and Lavender Sleep Spray. Yay!

Thursday:

-2:00 a.m. S knocked on our door saying her tummy hurt again. UGH.

-I gave her homeopathic remedy, hug, and tucked her back in bed since she said she didn't think she was going to throw up. I told her IF she is feeling worse to come get me. Otherwise to go sit in front of the toilet if she needed to puke. She thought she would be ok. Yay!

-2:20am, right after I fell back to sleep, S knocked on our door again. UGH!

-I sent her to the bathroom and met her there after putting my robe on. She was sitting on the step stool looking into the toilet, arms wrapped around the seat like a hug. (ewww)

-After a few minutes of waiting she said, "mom, did you know I can make that foamy bubble in the toilet go in circles when I blow on it? Like this. Watch." (giggles) UGH!

-I gave her a mini lecture on telling the truth but then decided I better ask if something else is going on. Turned out she was scared because of nightmares Twin 1 had told her. Something about strings on her ears and hair falling out, and lots of blood. S has diagnosed anxiety disorder. Scary stories are absolute NO. UGH UGH UGH!

-Hugs and reminder of safety, promises to talk to Twin1 about NOT sharing her nightmares except with Mom and Dad. S went back to bed and slept the remainder of the night. Yay!

-9am Yearly Woman's appointment for me. UGH.

-Kids have OT and PT at 11am so I have to take Hubby's little beater car just in case I don't get back in time to take them. UGH.

-I was too tired to get up early to make the kids' lunch. UGH.

-We were out of the right foods to make lunch anyway, so I ordered groceries (while trying to make our breakfast smoothies & manage the girls chore-time fusses) to be delivered from Kroger by 9:30am. Thankful that service is available. Yay!

-I am not familiar with Hubby's car. I couldn't find the light switch so I left the headlights off. The engine light and tire pressure warning was lit up. It wanted to stall at every red light so I had to hold one foot on the brake and tap the gas a little with my right to keep it running. I'm having hot flashes. UGH UGH UGH UGH.

-I realized half-way to my appointment that I was going to the OLD office. Had to use GPS to figure out how to reroute and go to the NEW place. UGH.

-I got there only 5 minutes late! Yay!

-Receptionist told me my insurance is NOT in effect. UGH.

-Extra 10 minutes spent on hold with HAP, but nurse let me go back to a room anyway while waiting. Found out insurance is fine. Yay! Yay!

- Nice chat with Doc and nurse during exam about the addition of twins to our family a year ago. LOL! She wants me to get a mammogram and a colonoscopy due to my age. Yep. I'm over 50 so apparently those things are what "old" people have to do. Last time I was there she said, "you're still young!" I must look and sound very tired and old. UGH UGH UGH!

-Hubby's car ran about the same: I two-stepped again on the way home. LOL! UGH!

-Got home barely in time to grab the kids to go to therapy. Had to pee but there wasn't time. The twins had a melt down because they wanted Daddy to drive them instead of me. Daddy was frantically trying to finish putting their lunches together plus his own since he had to go to work after lunch. None of the kids had done their schoolwork. Me being gone for 2 hours threw off everyone's routine. Yay! UGH UGH UGH UGH!

-We still managed to get to OT/PT in time. I got to use the restroom there (whew!) and then sit by myself in the van for 1 hour, and actually fell asleep for 5 minutes. (I set my alarm so I wouldn't get embarrassed when the therapist brought BB out) Yay! Yay!

-The sausage I had ordered, which Daddy cut up and put in the lunches, was too spicy. Only BB devoured his but the girls hated it. S only ate 2 apple slices. Tummy STILL hurt? UGH! UGH!

-Right after I got the kids down for nap Hubby called to tell me he accidently went to work in his crocs!! I had to meet him at the bus stop by our house to give him his work shoes. LOL! Crazy day for him, not being used to occupying the twins so I could take our other two to their appointment, PLUS making lunches! Ha! Ha! MUCH needed laugh!

-After nap I sent the kids out to play while I made supper, kept BB with me so he wouldn't eat dirty melting snow and other non-food gross things outside not to mention fall into puddles or on the ice which covers half of our back yard.

-I took him outside when dinner in the Instapot and air-fryer had only 15 minutes to go. After only about 5 minutes suddenly S went running and laughing hysterically while Twin 1 screamed at her. Twin 1 had THE most HUMONGOUS meltdown, ripped her hat off her head and threw it on the ground, flung her gloves through the air, hitting BB in the head, jumped up and down and literally looked like a steaming red-hot piston. I was speechless for a minute, not knowing what in the world just happened. Turned out S took her little stick that she had been using as a spoon to stir the mud in her bucket. :/

Very long story short, I sent everyone back inside to get ready for dinner and had Twin 1 sit in time-in for awhile after we talked about other methods of dealing with intense anger. I cannot truthfully say I handled it right immediately. I did actually raise my voice to get her to go inside, but during our talk as she was cooling down, it suddenly occurred to me that this was NOT about a little stick. It was about enormous loss. Anger stemming from abandonment. Anger pent up so tight inside her that all it takes is one little thing to make her explode.

I told her I'm angry too. Birth moms are not supposed to abandon their kids. I reassured her that I'm glad her birth mom chose us, and Daddy and I will never give her and her sister away. She hugged me very tightly and cried big tears. My heart broke again and sang at the same time.

At the dinner table I reminded all four kids about the picture of Jesus we have on our dining room wall, of Jesus holding His hand out, giving the illusion that we are under water and only need to reach our hand up so He can take it. We have talked many times over this year about Jesus always being there, ready to help us if we just ask Him when we are afraid. This time I believe The Holy Spirit told me His hand is waiting to take our children's burdens!

I had all of them pretend that all that anger inside them was a heavy weight. We held our heavy weights in our hands and breathed in deeply as we pushed them upward and gave them to God. Then gave a huge sigh of relief as we let out our air and dropped our weightless arms. The girls wanted to do it again, so we repeated the same exercise two more times.

Twin 2 said, "but Mom, I'm still drowning". I was shocked at her choice of words, because I didn't actually say that to her. This showed that she completely understood the concept. I told her that she will need to keep giving her anger and burdens to Jesus every day until they are all gone. We repeated this healing exercise one more time before we prayed, thanking God for our food & His love.

I was amazed at how much better even I felt that night. Deep breathing is good. I deep breathe A LOT while parenting my kiddos. But this I had not done. Actually visualizing the process of giving the heavy weight of anger, fear, frustration, loss, sadness and pain to Jesus. Knowing that He really WANTS to and is ABLE to take them from us - that He already died and rose again so that could happen. Feeling the release and lightness of my own arms as I let them drop to my sides along with my children. What an incredible feeling of freedom and rest.

Yes, we ALL slept well that night.

Jesus said, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest..." Matt 11:28

I stumbled across this photo and was mesmerized by it. Lightning & storms like chaos, anger, things that cause burdens. The rainbow being the hope of healing.

Bless you for reading. I hope you will pray along with me for the thousands of hurting children who need forever families, but healing most of all.

“Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen: to loose the chains of injustice and untie the cords of the yoke, to set the oppressed free and break every yoke?

Isaiah 58:6 NIV